"Horror" weekend

Whew... my parents are visiting me from Aussie, and they arrived Saturday night. I spent the entire Saturday morning cleaning my apartment up and down, and when my mum arrived she still said my house was "untidy".

"What's so untidy about it?" I asked her.
"There's still things to susun-susun," she said.
I looked around and seeing as I have almost zero decorative items in my living room, and absolutely nothing to rearrange, I asked her, "What else is there to susun? I don't even own anything for me to susun!"
And she just said, "Got..."
I still have no idea what she's talking about.

Then on Sunday morning, they woke up at 4 am and made a lot of noise, which woke me up. It's because in Australia, it would already be 7 am, and time for them to eat breakfast. So I heard them banging pots and pans, opening and shutting drawers in my kitchen... and putting on the tv really loud... which cut my sleeping time short. But I managed to go back to sleep, but I finally woke up when I heard my mother commenting to my father right outside my bedroom door, "Let's wake her up and tell her we're hungry for breakfast" when it was just 6.50 am.

Man. So I dragged myself out of bed at 7. We left the house at 8 am, and I only reached home at 7.30 pm that evening. But I told my parents they could take the car, so they just dropped my tired self and continued on to KL til 11.30 pm. My parents are like the kids I never had. Thank God they're "checking out" of my place this morning and checking into their hotel room at the Regent. Finally I can get some rest!

Dark morning

Even though it's really gloomy and dark outside, I'm feeling pretty happy. :)

Still recovering from my company's annual dinner that took place last weekend at a beach resort in Kuantan. That was fun. I think I hurt myself during the tug-of-war, but it's still good.

It's good to get over the drama that took place last week. I felt so depressed cos I was sick, feeling low and there's this incompetent woman somewhere in the other office that keeps trying to push her work on to me that got on my nerves. And so as usual, the way I always am so blunt, I got mad at her and told her exactly what was on my mind (in email), and in the end I was reprimanded for it by her boss. Hahaha. It's funny now that I look back on it. I even got called into my boss's office, but that was only for a chat. I just hope the problem gets solved because I can't stand it when things are left hanging.

What else... oh ya, trying to avoid thinking abut the inevitable... my parents are visiting this weekend from Australia. I think they're staying at a hotel, but I'm sure they'll want to visit my apartment. It's a little messy... kind of dusty... well not really. It's clean but not that clean, you know what I mean? I hate doing housework at the end of a busy day at work, so I'll just have to wait for Saturday. But that's the day they get here. Argh.

My bf said I snored the other day. And I never snore, so I asked him to record it the next time I did snore...

die

I feel so depressed, I feel like killing myself. And I know no one could care less if I was dead or alive. Since everything I do is wrong, and everything I do is not good enough.

Oh and the worst thing is...

I woke up this morning and realised that my thighs have gotten bigger!
Argh... I hate being a woman sometimes.

Before the flight

Ugh... I always get these upset stomachs before I travel. This isn't the first time that this has happened. Or subconsciously, I always eat a lot the day before I fly off because I think I'll never get to eat the same type of food again, and then the next morning, when I'm due to fly, I get an upset stomach. I've been to the bathroom like 5 times already... yeah, I know, you don't wanna know right?

Anyway, I feel slightly nauseous too...

Marty's "Don't Change"

I heard Marty Casey's rendition of INXS's "Don't Change" on the radio. At least I thought it was Marty singing it... cos it didn't sound like Michael Hutchence... or JD. So I stood there transfixed in front of the radio in the kitchen, pitching my ears each to see if it was really Marty or not.

I love Marty Casey. He's like the best performer out of all those former Rockstar contestants. He's the one with the most potential to succeed with his own band or solo project. I'd love to meet him and just be his friend. He seems like such a normal guy. Like he could have gone to ASL with me or something.

ASL (American School in London) was a great school. It was so unlike all the other international schools I've been to. At ASL, everybody, the teachers, the students, even the parents encourage you, truly encourage you to find and achieve your true potential. It was great. It was a school where every single student could shine. And the thing about the kids that went to that school, every one of us was talented in some way. And everyone else was happy to watch the other ppl shine at their particular talent. I don't know, but that was how I felt. Like my friend Ayesha, she was really smart, and all the rest of us were just really happy to watch her succeed in every subject, etc. And then my other friend, Mark, he was a trumpet player... and like I really loved watching him perform, especially when the school band played jazz. Yeah. And other kids were really good at acting, and it was just fun to watch them do their skits and all the drama exercises (the ones that they now do on Whose Line Is It Anyway?). Yeah, we did those exercises in class even before that show existed. So I guess those games were taught at the FAME Academy or something. I imagined that FAME Academy or the New York School of Performing Arts or whatever those schools are called are exactly like ASL but specialising in Drama and Music.

I want to send my kids to a school just like ASL. Of course I can't afford to live in London just to send my kids there, so I'm hoping there will be a school just like it in KL. Children need to be stimulated. I really, really don't want my kids to do SPM. It's such a regurgitative educational system. All they do is memorize, memorize, memorize and then spit it all back out again for the exams. The teachers don't even teach the kids to think for themselves what the answer might be. They just teach the kids, "this is the answer, and you gotta write it all back down for the exams." It's such a stupid system. I hope Malaysia goes through an intellectual revolution in the next coming years so that ppl can change the way things are taught in this country, and you know, so ppl can just change their thinking for once. Change is good.

Strange dream

Ugh! I woke up this morning from having the strangest dream. I hate this dream. It's sort of recurring. Both my ex-bf's were in it, but no sign of my current one. Eugh. Each time I dream it, I'll say about my last ex to everyone in the room, "Yeah, this is the ex that I hate the most." I hate this dream. In this dream, my highschool sweetheart is being very controlling and keeps thinking that I am still his. And in the dream, I am so preoccupied with trying to get away from my other ex, the one that I hate, that I end up seeking refuge with my former highschool sweetheart. And at the same time, I'm looking and looking for my real bf, but he's not around.

Yeah, if you're thinking, "she's so corny, she had a highschool sweetheart," you're absolutely right. Cos technically, he was the only guy I dated in highschool, for two years. Then I went out with this nice guy for a month during A-Levels, and then after A-Levels and for the first 2 years of Uni, I dated that guy I hate, for 2 years also.

I've been with my current bf for 2 years too, and he's the best. :)
This one's a keeper.

I've got one more day

Today my parents took me out for a long drive in the early morning, and we stopped at this cowboy town. Well it seemed like one to me, what with the horses and the leather goods store that sold saddles and boots. I guess this place is full of those type of towns. There is so much farmland around here. It kind of makes me want to own a farm and live on it...

I had this bf once when I was around 16/17, he told me that back in Denmark his dad's family owned a farm and that before his dad came to Malaysia and became rich, he was just a farmer. I really liked that idea... I don't mind being a farmer's wife, as long as we were self-sufficient. I really admire a man that makes things with his hands... tilling the land, planting the crops, harvesting, that type of thing. Or even carpentry, or engineering... or you know, someone that was good with his hands. Someone who had productive hands. That was my ideal man back then, and I suppose it still is.

I always thought that I would marry a quiet, but talented man. A sort of dark horse. And he had an inner strength and power that emanated from him silently. And keeping my fingers crossed, I hope I will be marrying him sometime soon. Cos sayang, you are a quiet man who does not yet know his own talents. :)

No Direction Home

Did you know that I'm a big Bob Dylan fan? I call him Bobby D. As if I really know the guy personally. There was this documentary on tv about him last night. It was only Part 1, and I wonder when Part 2 is going to show. It was Scorsese's "No Direction Home". Oh I just found out that Part 2 is only going to be shown next week. :-( too bad, I'm not going to be around then.

But anyway, last night's show was the first time we see Dylan at the present time commenting on his life back then when he first started out. And it's so amusing to see that he himself didn't really know how to explain what was behind his lyrics. He just wrote them. He said he wasn't trying to be topical or political, it just ended up sounding that way, and I believe him. I think political bands that try too hard to be political don't end up being popular, or their message is lost. But what Dylan did back then with his songs, he had this magical way of making the lyrics last, and you can relate them to what's happening now as to back then.

My favorite part last night was when this interviewer was interviewing dinner about "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" when it was first released. He wrote it during the time of the Cuban missile crisis during Kennedy's time in office. So the interviewer says something like, "It's really something you singing about the Atomic rain..." and Dylan says, "No, no, it's not Atomic rain, it's just a Hard Rain." And I totally get what he means. It's just a hard rain, a really hard rain. The type of rain when it falls will hurt you.

I liked that part. Because being a poet, ppl will often misinterpret the things that I write. They'll think I meant it one way, when what I really meant was something different altogether. But it's okay. It's really up to the reader to interpret it any way they want, just as long as they don't quote me as saying that their interpretation is correct.

Tummy ache

Eating too much gives you a stomach ache. But I think for me, eating too many different types of food gave me a stomach ache. It's normal to get one during Hari Raya. It's only the second day, but I've totally lost my appetite. :(

Eid Mubarak

Tomorrow is hari raya. Phew! Thank God.

Today I made cornflake cookies, a chocolate cake and kuih makmur. From 7 am til 4 pm. Whew! That was a long time.

Now I'm tired. My feet hurt from standing all day.

And tomorrow I have to dress my best. Eid Mubarak!

Workaholic?

Am I getting obsessed with my work? Because I keep wanting to call the office and asking if everything's alright. But it is Deepavali today and a public holiday, so no one would be in. I think I'm getting to be a control freak. Or maybe it's just an avid sense of responsibility...

First morning

My mother woke me up quite early. Around 7 am Malaysia time, but it was already 10 am in Canberra. I woke up stiffly because it was quite cold in my room (the draft again), and then I told my mom that my stomach wasn't really feeling well so I couldn't accompany her to the butcher's. Now that they've only got one maid (instead of the usual 2), my mother has become the cook again. But she's got to work with Australian ingredients, and not Malaysian ones.

My maid is overwhelmed by the size of the house. The shape of the house is long, unlike the one in PutraJ, which was square. And I guess it's quite old-fashioned because it's got that "secret stairs" that leads from the kitchen to the upstairs bedroom hallway. The hot water pipes aren't hidden either, they're exposed against the wall of the tunnel of secret stairs. It reminds me of that old show "Upstairs, Downstairs". Have you ever seen it?

I never imagined an old house like this could exist in Australia. It's something that you take for granted in England. The house we lived in in London was really old. Everything creaked. I'm really sick of old houses. They lose their charm after awhile because for some odd reason they attract more dust than new homes.

Take for example of my new apartment back in KL. It's not as dusty as this place, and I only do dusting on weekends! Anyway... so boring... you don't want to know about dusting.

I just want to rest and take time reading a good book. It feels like I've been working non-stop for quite sometime and deserve a good rest. Nothing is on tv.

My first night here

The night is freezing. The wind is really being mean. I don't even think it's a wind, I think it's more like the temperature drops when the sun goes down. And you won't believe how dark it is outside. It's pitch black. I don't even see any street lights. Well actually there are street lights but they are very far away. Our house is surrounded with trees, so that's why I guess it's very dark.

I'm sitting in my brother's room, typing away while the tv is on. If I had known that this house has 3 of its own tv sets, I would never have allowed my parents to take away the big Philips set.

Anyway, the kitchen is huge. And reminds me slightly of the kitchen I had in London because the floor is freezing when you walk on it barefooted. And you don't need to store your food in the fridge because it's so cold you can just leave it outside.

My dad took me round for a drive and the place is very pretty. Very green and full of nature. The type of place I would like to live in, if only it was in Malaysia.

I'm wishing all my friends happy deepavali. It's tomorrow. I kinda wish I was in KL right now so that I can be a part of the festivities. I miss being at home.

Strange place

This has got to be the sorriest looking house my family has ever lived in. It looks like it came right out of the seventies. It's old and rundown, and has this um... cold air travelling through it. I forgot what you call those things... oh yeah, draft. It's got a cold draft. It's as if this cold air had legs and is just walking in and out of all the rooms one by one, and when it gets to the last room, it starts all over again.

This town my parents live in is a lot like Putrajaya, which is supposed to mean I would love it. But I haven't ventured outside the house yet because I'm feeling pretty ill. I had a turbulent flight over here from Sydney and when we landed I felt like I was gonna puke. And then when I got to the house, I showered and went to sleep cos I was exhausted. There wasn't really much time to sleep on the plane. Then I woke up a couple of times cos of the draft. Yeah, I'll wake up cold and then it'll get really warm again and then I'll go back to sleep, and then all of a sudden it's cold again, then warm up, and I'll go back to sleep etc, etc.

I'm saddened by the fact that this house is so not taken care of. Maybe it can be pretty. I know that if my friends were to see this house, they'd say it's pretty. They said that about my Putrajaya house too, but I thought it stinks.

Oh ya, this house has a certain damp smell I hate. It's such an old house.

No photos to show yet though...

So much to do!!

I've actually got a lot of work to do today. And I found out a new route to take to get to the office, and this morning I left home about the same time I do each day but I got to work in just 15 mins. Wow. That means I arrived here like 7.15 am. I've got a lot to do before I go off on my two-week vacation so might as well get to work early. It's not that I'm a workaholic, I just like to get my work done and go home early.

I rather come to work early than go back home late. I hate doing overtime. My boss says I'm famous for it.

But we had to take this overtime survey, and I actually put down that I thought I did an "adequate" amount of overtime. Well mine is seasonal. I wonder what would happen if I said I did too much overtime. That would almost be a lie because I only stay back late like once or twice a month.

Anyway... I haven't packed for my vacation. I leave on Sunday. I felt so sleepy this morning though, I didn't want to get up... but like I said I have so much to do.... so tata!

Yesterday's conflict

I got into an argument with this guy at work, at our other branch office... me and him don't get along cos our personalities clash. Anyway, I was so mad that I called him "Fool". He asked me to take it back, but I wouldn't. Kakakaka. I thought that was funny. He was being totally unreasonable, and so was I, I suppose. Neither of us would give in. And everyone in my office could hear us fighting cos I was talking really loud into the phone. Hehehehe. I have such bad etiquette.

I don't hate him either. It's nothing personal, just business.

Planning my trip

I was a little disappointed this morning to find out that the weather in Canberra is so cold at this time of year. It's meant to be summer there but I saw that the temperature's 11 degrees centigrade. And it's raining. :( Too bad the capital's not Sydney. Sydney's nice and sunny.

I'll be flying off on the 30th this weekend. And I've had to buy all sorts of stuff for my parents. It's like one whole bag is devoted to them. And I can only pack so much. We've got to change planes too, so I'm trying my very best to travel light, but how the hell do I do that when they keep calling me asking me to bring stuff? They're nuts, that's what.

Plus I am bringing the maid over there. My parents' maid just got her Australian visa. There was meant to be two maids going, but the other one didn't get a visa, and so I had to send her back. I bought her an Air Asia ticket for MYR 453, which is really cheap, and then she landed excess baggage charges of MYR 112 at the airport for being only 7 kg over the limit. Poor thing, of course I paid. I saw other ppl going back to Indonesia who had 5 - 7 bags with them, and in the end could only bring one! My maid only had 2 bags. This girl that was lining up in front of us had 5 bags I think, and then in the end she gave her employer 3 bags to take back while she checked in 2. I pity them cos they bought a whole load of stuff in Malaysia cos it's cheaper than buying it at home, and then finding that they can't afford to pay the excess baggage charges so they can't bring those things home with them anyway. What was the point of buying all those things? It's not like they can afford to DHL it all the way back to Medan or Jakarta. And I bet you their employer won't do it for them.

So I paid the MYR 112. Even though I gave her a bonus before she left. She spent a lot buying cute clothes for her children. I asked her what will she do back in Surabaya? Because her husband isn't allowing her to stay in KL and work as a nanny for my cousin. She said that she won't be able to get a job and so she'll just stay home and do nothing. It's kinda sad to hear all that because I know life is difficult for them there. Whereas in KL lower-income workers are working hard to save enough to feed their family for a month, in Indonesia, the lower-income group work hard just for one rice bowl. That's if you live in the city I guess, cos I would imagine in the villages you'd have your own little plot of land to plant vegetables. That's what I imagine, but I don't know if that's true. There are a lot of vegetables that my maids had never seen before coming to Malaysia. And they don't get to eat a lot of fish either.

Well I hope she does okay over there with her family.

Ugh I shouldn't have checked my APM mail first thing...

At work our email is called APM mail. And I should not have opened it first thing. I got to the office extra early because I woke up scared and wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible. Someone (or something) woke me up this morning at 3.30 am by knocking either on my window sill or on my bedroom door. The window was open, I left it like that before I went to bed. The knocking sound was really loud, and I knew it came from in the room. It's not an echo from somewhere else.

So I couldn't really go back to sleep properly, and after sahur, I tried to rest and then before my alarm went off, I was already showered and dressed to go off. So off I went to work. I drove really slow. But I still managed to arrive just a little after 7 am.

Yeah that's early. But I start at 8, and it takes me like 15 minutes to walk from the car park to my office building (cos I walk slow)... I was relishing the thought of just surfing the net before having to start work. Then I make the mistake of checking my APM mail and finding that the woman I dislike has messed up again! And she's making it look like it's my fault. Ugh, I hate it when it gets this way.

I'm a little tired, so I'll stay quiet today and not say anything at all. Let's see what my colleagues think...

Nobel prize for literature

I read my weekly Economist headlines that Harold Pinter was the recipient of this year's Nobel prize for literature. Eew, that's so gross. I had to study his plays for A-levels, and I didn't think they were anything special. I can't believe he won.

I also read in the news that Orhan Pamuk is going to be tried for "allegedly insulint Turkey about its relationship with Armenia and Kurds." I really like Orhan Pamuk. I hope they don't put him in jail. He was also in the running for the Nobel prize for lit.

My Anniversary

Yesterday was my 2nd Anniversary, and we had dinner at this little Italian restaurant in Puchong. Near my house. It's got really good lasagne, I tried it yesterday. The portion was huge for the price I paid (only RM 13.90). I couldn't finish it. Pizza Uno has a beef lasagne, tiny one for about the same price I think, but this one is much much better. Go try it if you're in the area, the restaurant is called Little Italy. It's got nice decor too.

We had our usual table by the window. I brought the kurma from home wrapped up in cling wrap, and we broke our fast eating them with our drinks. It was a nice dinner. My sayang was so tired afterwards (tired from eating too much I guess), he took a nap straight away, and I watched One Tree Hill on tv.

It was this episode where they had that charity drive thing, and the guys were on auction. And the ex's auctioned for each other. And I was just thinking how weird it was that I was having that type of relationship with my friends in high school, and now I don't have that type of thing going at all. I mean like as in being really open with your ex's, and how a circle of friends would date each other's ex-gf/bf and we wouldn't think much of it. How we would hug and kiss each other hello and good-bye. It didn't matter if someone else hugged my bf or whatever. It's just tradition and there's no emotion involved in it.

I asked my bf why Malaysians don't do that type of thing, and he said cos Malaysians have a jealous nature. I thought about it, and I think yeah.

Back to the usual

Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now. Boring. The only thing I did yesterday was out of the ordinary was go to KLIA after work to pick up my flight ticket and process my visa at the MAS ticketing office. Why'd I go all the way there? Well because on the website it said that particular ticket office will be open till midnight.

I went all the way there, but I still couldn't pick up my ticket anyway because it seems someone has not paid for it yet... that someone being my dad. So they said I can pick it up after the 15th or right before my flight. Okay then. But I did my visa anyway, so the trip wasn't all wasted.

Btw, I'm going to Australia for Raya. To be with my family since they live there. Back to the usual routine then. I've only managed to celebrate Hari Raya in Malaysia these last two years and when I lived in Singapore. When we were in Spore it was easy, cos my grandma's house was only 3 hours away using the Tuas highway to get across. So we'd spend half of the first day of Raya in Singapore and the rest of the day in kampung. All the other Raya's I was somewhere else.

I have no idea what my aunts & uncles and cousins and stuff think of me. They must hate me for not wanting to go back to kampung for raya. Oh well, I'll just have to call my grandma and tell her. I hate talking to my grandma though. One of those things I can't explain. She's just a really negative person. I hate being aroung negative ppl.

I'm not fasting today

I shouldn't have eaten... cos now I feel sick.
:(

What this month always reminds me of

Fasting month always reminds me of this one incident that took place many years ago during my freshman year at Uni. There was a really nice, a goodie-goodie type guy in my accounts class. He's really innocent and the type that does no evil. He was kinda short but kinda cute. Anyway, it was fasting month at the time, and then one day he musters up the courage to ask me out to buka puasa with him. I think he became more confident when he saw me exit the mosque after terawih prayers. You know, the fact that I actually went to pray terawih at the mosque made him feel that perhaps I was a nice girl after all under all that.

I remember it really well, he was leaning against his bike and having a smoke and talking to a really a good friend of mine, who was his roommate. I was coming out of the masjid with some friends of mine, and then my friend, the guy's roommate waves to me and says hi. So we stop by and say hi. And during the course of the conversation, the guy asks me, "You want to meet me for buka puasa tomorrow?"

I say, surprised, "Oh? Where?"

And he says, "Here at the masjid." Aww that was so sweet, he asks me out on a date, and where? To the masjid ! I thought that was so cute. I told him that it was sweet of him to ask me, but that I already had a bf and would be breaking fast with him instead.

Well, the last I heard of this guy, I forgot his name, was in the first semester of our second year at uni. There was a big hoohaa going on because he'd disappeared. He hadn't come back home both at the campus and in his hometown for months. He was also supposed to contribute to my friend's accounting project, but since he was missing they had to do double work and were really mad at him. Then just like that, out of the blue, he reappears. He returns to his rented house at the campus to gather up his things. He told his housemates (who were my friends) that he had to stop studying because he got married to a widow with two kids. He had to start working to support them. And just like that, he left.

And that was the last I heard of him.

National Anthem

Hehe! I was so tickled last night when I watched the evening news. Some people in the parliament were outraged that Hattan sang the national anthem at last Saturday's football game in his own tune. He sang the ending differently or something like that. I didn't get to see it myself. But I was laughing about it along with my bf. The ppl in parliament condemned him and they're going to charge him under the Akta Lagu Kebangsaan (National Anthem Act). I didn't even know that law existed! Padan muka dia!

I never really liked that guy, even though we're from the same kampung. He's so cocky. He thinks he's all that. I guess he thinks rockstars can get away with anything.

Well I think they'll let him off if he made a public apology. I don't think he meant to disrespect the national anthem. But it was funny anyway that those members or parliament got mad. I guess there's no room for artistic license for some areas in this country.

Puasa starts tomorrow.

The old neighborhood

I had one of those frustrating weekends where I actually missed my family. Especially on Sundays, those "family day"s. We would usually eat out on our family days. I couldn't spend my Sunday dinner with anyone special so I ate alone. But I went back to a place that I sort of felt comfortable eating alone. So it wasn't so bad.

I went to the bridge again also on Sunday night. I was surprised to find a lot of ppl there. Sometimes I wish that bridge could be mine. I wished that it could belong to me, so that whenever I wanted to be alone there, I could tell everybody to vamoos. It was a nice night, and I bought myself this new poetry notebook. I only write on un-ruled plain white paper. So if anyone wants to buy me a present that I would truly appreciate, they could get me a spiral plain-white paper notebook. Paperchase makes great ones. But the one I bought wasn't a Paperchase, it was an Islamic Arts Museam one (? I think so). I bought it at the MPH, and it wasn't a spiral notebook. And I was also a little disappointed that the paper, although plain white, was quite thin, and the ink of my pen could be seen on the back of the page. Which I hate. So I write on every other page.

Sometimes when you can't be with family, you don't really feel like being with your friends. Cos I just don't like the thought of leaving my empty house to have fun with my buddies and then having to come home to an empty house again. It's like a double blow almost. Everybody else gets to go home to their family. I know I'm supposed to grow up and get used to it already, but seriously it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But driving around my old neighborhood did feel good. There's that familiar feeling I get in my chest, and that warmth that makes me smile. I tried to explain it to my bf, but I don't think he gets it at all. I don't think he knows what it feels like to feel happy because you feel safe. I don't think he knows how it feels like to feel alien to some place, and then having to find a spot in that alien place that makes you feel not like an alien. You know what I mean? I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've been in KL for about 4-5 years now, and during the early years, there wasn't a cafe that I could find that I could call my own place... you know, there wasn't a bakery where I liked to go there cos I liked their bread. I haven't found my place. In all the places I've lived in, I had these places I could go to where the people would know me, and they'd say, "Your usual?" And I would feel comfortable enough to eat there alone, or to sit and drink there alone, because I was a regular. And the other ppl would recognize me as a regular, and then they'd just smile and eat with me while they sat at the other table, and it wouldn't feel like I was eating alone. But I don't know how to explain all this to my bf because I don't think he really understands. Even when he says he does, I get the feeling that he's just saying it to shut me up.

I haven't really found that type of place truly yet, but I think my old neighborhood has a lot of potential.

Sometimes I worry that if we can't connect on certain things, it'll be difficult for us in the future. But I really don't know how to make a person understand all these things that make me feel secure. I hope he reads this and he understands better.

First impressions

I met my future parents-in-law last Sunday for the first time. We were all attending my bf's nephew's 2nd birthday party. He's an adorable kid, and we all love him, which is probably the only thing all of us had in common. Nah, okay, I guess that's being too extreme. I know that they'll have their first impressions of me, but I have my own first impression of them, and the first thing that struck me was they were remarkably different from my own parents.

Well of course you're allowed some differences, but the differences were stark. But I expected as much, so I didn't leave the place feeling disappointed or anything like that. They're nice people, don't get me wrong. But compared to the reception my parents gave my bf when they first met him, the reception his parents gave me was markedly cold. It was so bad, after salam-ing the mum, she even moved away to sit at a different table from me! Now is that a signal that she thinks I'm whore or isn't it? (FYI, I'm not one).

But I was dressed very decently too, in a really nice loose bohemian-type shirt in earthy colors. And jeans. It wasn't even tight, and you couldn't even see my butt, which I think is my best asset. (Yeah, yeah, for those who know how I look like, please refrain from commenting...)

Anyway, after that, we had to move into another room in the restaurant because the place was wrongly booked. And I thought I didn't want to have her move her seat away from me twice, so I sat far away from them. Then I guess the dad felt bad, because he asked me to move closer. When I did move closer, he was the only one who tried to speak to me, whilst his mother turned her head away most of the time I was sitting in front of them and did not utter another word to me. For all the 2 hours we were there.

Oh well, not that I mind. If she dislikes me, she dislikes me. After all, I dislike quite a number of ppl in this world. She probably thinks I manipulate her son. I don't think she gives him enough credit. I think he's very capable of controlling any situation that we're in. I even think he's the more dominant one in the relationship. She probably thinks I look like this snobby person. People often mistake me for a snobby or pompous person because I'm just mean sometimes.

But it doesn't really matter because in the end, it's not his mom I'm marrying, it's him. And I just thank my lucky stars my parents are friendly ppl despite all their other flaws... And I guess I'll just have to work on making things better with his mom.

A Tree

I'm like this tree,
A very old tree, maybe an olive tree.
My trunk is gnarled and twisted,
And my bark scorched by the sun.
During the dry season,
When there is no water to quench my thirst,
I become dry and my branches brittle.
When the hard wind blows,
My arms (the branches) will break.
I only seem strong, with my roots buried in the ground.
But I can only wait for an act of God, like in a thunderstorm
To break me in two.
But you, oh blade of grass,
I wish I was like you.
Growing long and slender,
And swaying in the breeze beside me.
You are small, and may not ever grow as big as me.
But no matter how hard the gust of wind,
And no matter how heavy the rain,
They will not uproot you
Nor blow you away.
If you are cut, you will grow again.
Such is your strength that I envy.
How can I ever be like you?
When God has made me who I am,
And you, you.
Can a tree, so set in its ways
transform into grass?
Alas, my friend, as strong as you are
And as determined as I am,
Neither you or I can make me
Into something I was never destined to be.

I'm like this big kid

Yesterday was the Rockstar INXS finale. Which is like my favorite show because of all the talented ppl in it. There were 3 finalists, Mig, JD and Marty. And even though Marty was my favorite (and still is) from the very beginning, I didn't want him to win and land the job as INXS's frontman because I felt that his talents would be better expressed as a solo artist or as a singer of his own band. (As opposed to a singer of an established band, with an established sound). I really wanted JD to win, because I thought Mig was too theatrical. And plus JD's good, because he has that deep, dark thing going like Michael Hutchins. And whaddaya know? JD won, and I was really glad.

After the show, I was really excited, and my bf couldn't get me to sleep. He was trying to tuck me in, but I just kept wanting to talk about the show, and all the possibilities. The possibilities being Marty gets a recording contract, Marty gets to do a record with his own band, Marty gets to perfect his own sound... I'll be the first to buy Marty's cd, etc etc. I was excited about that.

Then I wake up the next day, and I come to work, and what do I find myself doing? I log on and start reading Marty's blogs. From the show, I found out that Dave Navarro can be a really nice guy.

Then my boss arrives and asks me if he can have a word. Okay. He asks me if I feel challenged by my job. And I say, Yeah. Right now, still yeah. I told him not to worry and that I'll tell him when I get bored. I won't send up a resignation letter or anything right that. Right now, I'm just waiting for more challenges to come. Like the PONL integration, the new systems integration, etc etc. I think right now I'm still finding my way around to getting comfortable. I'm still perfecting my skills...

Today is also Hafiz's last day. Well sort of. Hafiz is my colleague here and was also from Uniten. He's a genius. Anyway, he's being posted to Dubai. And he's flying off this week or next week. All the best to him, cos he's a really nice guy. We're going to have a farewell lunch for him later, so I'm going to leave some empty space in my stomach.

Aigh

I woke up this morning with a slight headache. It's not a good start...
Should I wear glasses in front of the comp monitor? What's it gonna take to get rid of this headache...
Slowly, I reach for my minyak cap kapak...

Weekend out of the ordinary

It's not everyday you get a wedding invitation to Nik Izham's wedding. He was the shyiest guy in our Form 6 class. It's been literally years since I last saw him. So when my best friend cancelled his birthday dinner plans last Saturday, I made a split second decision to actually go to my old schoolmate's wedding, even though it was already 6.30pm, and the wedding started at 8.00pm... in Melaka! I wasn't even dressed yet. Melaka, at the least is 1 1/2 hours away from KL. So I would have to leave immediately if I want to get there in time.

My bf had some funeral to go to or something so he couldn't drive me. I call up my other old school mates invited to the wedding, hoping to get a ride, but they were already on the highway. So I had to drive alone, all the way, about 80-90km to Melaka.. at night.. alone. But I was up to the challenge. I showered, got dressed in a rush, did not do my hair, did not put on any make up (I figured I'd do it in the parking lot when I arrived), and left my house a little before 7.

In the invitation, it's stated that guests should arrive at 7.45 pm.

I drove like a mad woman. When I got to the highway, I was doing 120-140km/h all the way. It was so damn freaky. I've never felt the wheel of my car shake like that before. The highway had no lights, and I thought the journey would never end... it felt like if I kept on driving, sooner or later my car would fall into the sea at the tip of Johor.

Like a miracle, I arrived in Melaka at 8.06 pm. Whew. Parked my car at the hall around 8.15 pm. Was in the hall seated and reunited with my buddies before the bride and groom arrived. We even got to sit at the VIP table! Wow. And that's not all... I got the biggest shock of my life (and all my friends did, too, they kept telling me, "We just found out that she's different"), my old friend married someone much older than him, and who has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Wow. An instant father.

But he seemed very happy though, and the bride, too. And he was happy to see me make it. I was happy, too. I rarely do such crazy things (like drive at 140 km on the highway), but this was worth it. It was nice to meet up with everyone again. And at least when the night was over, I didn't have to drive alone... (I didn't even have to drive actually, someone else drove my car for me... ) All in all, I'd say it was a productive weekend.

Tired

You know my sister has a blog on this, but I don't know what the url is.
And today is Friday! Yay! But the plumber is coming on Saturday... what a bummer. I'm supposed to go to my friend's wedding, Saturday night, an old school friend, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Hmmm... I'm going to have to email or call someone today to tell them I can't make it.

Health wise I don't feel too good. And I'm quite sleepy this morning.

But yesterday's Rockstar INXS was really good and yet sad as well, cos I really liked Suzie, and then it's just these 3 ppl left. I don't really like Mig all that much, cos he's so theatrical. Ripping his shirt down the middle was a bit much. But that's just my opinion anyway. In my opinion too, Marty is better off as a kind of solo artist. He is my favorite rockstar. He seems the most grounded. And I love the way he performs. I liked "Trees" too, it's catchy.

But Rockstar INXS is my favorite show since moving into my new apartment. And can you believe it, I've been living there for like a month already? A month and a 2 weeks. Whew! Time flies so fast...

I'm really tired, but I got a ton of work...

Papaya for breakfast

You know I hate ppl who drive in the middle of two lanes. And when you flash them with your lights they still don't understand. And then you have to honk at them, and then they give you this look. Stupid ppl. Why can't they just be better drivers?

I can totally understand road rage. Sometimes you just get so pissed off on the road at inconsiderate drivers. But road rage til you kill someone? Nah. That's going overboard.

I'm really into the new Padi album. It's really good. The first time I played the whole thing, there was one song, just from the sound of it made me cry. I wasn't really listening to the lyrics but the rhythm of it and the way it was played rekindled some buried emotions. I'm not even sure if I could describe what emotions, but it's there. I guess it's regret mixed with longing. Or something else.

I had a dream last night of Redha and Anas, the infamous tag-team back in my highschool. I was like their big sister. After I woke up, I was determined to make this day better than yesterday. And plus I have to get my picture taken (which I hate) for that interview thingie...

Another Tuesday

Guess what they got me doing at work? They want to interview me for this thing that they've got on our global intranet (since I made my fame during the previous townhall forum we had with P&O). I think this company is going a little bit overboard on this thing. They timed it so that my little question and answer will be launched online on the same day our P&O colleauges get their user id's and they can log onto our websites as employees. So when they click on "Home" they'll see the link to my interview thingie. You see the propaganda? They're hoping I say something inspirational again.

The questions are quite tough, too, like in that testing sort of way. You know, like I keep asking myself, "Is this a test to my loyalty?" since you know I made that speech about loyalty... (check out my previous entry entitled "One of those lucky things"). Due date is tomorrow to complete the answers to the interview. Aigh.

My boyfriend has proven to be quite the future husband, I must say, in more ways than one. I feel safer with him around, even though sayang if you're reading this, sometimes I'm not safe from you! But I really appreciate what you did yesterday, in sorting things out. Thanks. That's all I'm going to say, not revealing anything to any of you...

One of those lucky things

Two nights ago we had this meeting, a forum. We're taking over this other company, P&O, and we came under attack basically by the P&O management. We are going to offer jobs to our new colleagues, but obviously it wasn't enough for them. Even when our area manager was being totally welcoming, they bombed us. They were very rude and insulting, if you asked me. And then I did one of those things that I always manage to do. It's not even anything spectacular. But it was just done at the right moment I guess. I stepped up to the microphone (cos we had microphones standing at the aisle for everybody to voice out their issues) and said what anybody could have said. But no one else had said anything. No one else apart from our managers of course. Not even the P&O staff were standing up and saying anything. We were just hearing all this shit from their managers.

What really got to me was when this guy stood up and said, "P&O staff are really loyal. We don't want to leave the company." Whoever said anything about leaving the company?? We're offering you jobs for God's sake! And this other guy said, "P&O staff are much older than Maersk staff. We're very loyal to the company." So what? Young people can't be loyal too?

So enough was enough, and it was getting pretty late too (the meeting was at night), and I stepped up to the mike and said what was on everyone else's mind, I said, "I just wanted to say before the night was over that Maersk staff are loyal, too. Even at the lower level, like me, we're very committed, I'm very committed to making this Maersk-P&O union work."

And that's it. That's all I said. And everybody clapped. But anybody could have stood up there and said that. I don't think what I said was anything truly special even until now. But I impressed my area manager, and he must have asked my country manager what my name was, cos I received this email the next day thanking me for standing up and saying what I said. I was really touched, because it was totally unexpected. But there was something that he said in the mail, his last words, that really said it all. He said, "the environment you chose was difficult, and is a further show of your character." I read that last bit over and over and over. Because yeah, he's totally right. It is a definite show of my character. And I used to think it was a bad thing, to always want to defend myself and defend others, to always fight back when I'm being oppressed, but this time someone's gone and said it was a good thing.

So I'm rethinking everything, and I guess sometimes being outspoken is good, and sometimes it's bad. I guess you just have to choose your words carefully and pick the right time to say them. But I'm glad that he could pick out bits of my character from what I did that night, and I'm glad that he has let me know, because rarely does someone commend you for doing things that come so naturally.

Two days after Merdeka

My merdeka was fun. I did nothing but sleep all day. Yeah. That's the life. Merdeka night itself was okay too. I was at home and I could see fireworks from four different places from my balcony. Quite cool. I received this sms on my phone from a dear dear friend of mine. Don't get me wrong, I adore her! But she is a staunch member of Puteri UMNO and I had mixed feelings about the message she sent me, which said: "Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan. Keranamu Malaysia."

It was the 'Keranamu Malaysia' that got to me. That is the cheesiest thing to say, even if you're trying to be patriotic. I can think of so many other ways of being patriotic and not have to say 'Keranamu Malaysia'. It so turned me off that I didn't reply, which was really bad of me. Oh well.

Today I'm meant to be all energetic, because my counterpart in Johor is coming up to KL for a meeting. Well, she's not really my counterpart, she's just someone whose job description is quite close to mine and we have to liase with each other a lot. I'm meant to take her out for lunch and everything. I really don't know where to bring her except Subang Parade (the mall next to my office). But I'm just not in the mood. In fact, I'm really tired, and I thought of taking MC because I can feel a fever coming up.

Ugh, listening to myself makes me realise that I'm such a party pooper!

Good weekend

I think I had a good weekend. Well good enough. But there was an Italian restaurant that I really liked and I wanted to have dinner there on Saturday night, but didn't get to. Instead we went to this other one at One Utama, Italiannies, it was okay. But not that great. But come to think of it, I wouldn't really go there again, unless I was really hungry. For the price, it's not worth it.

But I still can't shake off this feeling of exhaustion which I still have in my shoulders and in my back. It's fatigue from moving house, packing and unpacking, and shopping for household goods and appliances... it's so tiring. I've just put up the curtains to my bedroom last Saturday. And I still haven't finished unpacking, so I'm so tired. And I just want to sleep! For a long long time.

So maybe I'll take leave on Friday. Let me think about it.

Wednesday is Merdeka. I'm not really in the Merdeka mood. And I don't really think there is such a thing as the bangsa Malaysia... not just yet at least. How can you have a bangsa Malaysia with racially segregated political parties? That's just nuts. But anyway, until 2020... who knows.

Rockstar

I really like that show Rockstar INXS. I guess I like it because it's a genre of music that I love, and I can relate to it better than American Idol/Malaysian Idol/Pop Idol/Akademi Fantasia. Every single show they're performing rock songs that I know and love, so it's actually nice to root for each of the contestants. But my favorite is Marty, because he seems really grounded and true to himself. And plus he sings really well.

Anyway, the other night, he performed a song that came from my childhood that really evoked a lot of old memories. It was "I Alone" by Live. It's funny how you remember the lyrics to a song even though you haven't heard it in a long, long, time. And it's funny how you start to remember all the little things related to that song. I have Live's cd, Throwing Copper somewhere in my house, but I haven't played it in a long while. But I remember, during the time when I was really into Live, around the age of 15/16, my best friend chucked the cassette down to me from his balcony and I didn't manage to catch it, and it hit the ground and broke. So I bought him a new one, and I bought the cd for myself.

"I Alone" and "Lightning Crashes", "Selling the Drama" and "All Over You" and all the other songs on the album really reminds me of the gang back in 5i. There was Jason, Carl, David, Wilcox, Adam, Matt and Robert. And the girls, me, Rebecca, Kerensa, Clara, Agness. And it reminded me of Jason's band. With Ian on drums, Jase on guitar and Cox on bass. And it reminded me of the video that we made for Rebecca before she left. And all these things... And I really wonder what happened to those guys, especially Jase cos he was my closest guy friend out of the bunch but the one I didn't manage to keep in touch with. He sort of found me though, and left a testimonial on my friendster, thru Clara, but he did that purposely so that I can't find him again. I think.

It would be nice to tell those guys that I'm getting married. (Yeah like in 2006/2007) They were such a big part of my life back then in boarding school, it'll be nice to have them there at my wedding. I grew up with these ppl. I was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday, and he said it'd be good to tell Carl, my ex, that I'm getting married. Not that he'd care, I think, but maybe it's just nice to let him know anyway. Yeah maybe. If I ever bump into him. Which I don't. Because I think we made a promise or a curse or something, never to see each other again, ever. Yeah. Which is why everybody else bumps into him (and they tell me about it), but I never do. Which I think is sort of cool in that spooky way.

And all these feelings came up just because of Rockstar...

Last night

The nasties follow me around everywhere. My bf calls it "setan" or "the devil". This used to happen the last time I lived alone. I'd be sleeping and suddenly I would feel someone else sitting on my bed, even though there is no one else in the house... it's freaky. Last night I was already half-asleep, then I heard something drop to the floor in my bathroom. The door of my bathroom was ajar, and I could see inside it from where I was lying down on my bed, and I could see that the towels were still hanging on the hook, and everything else is where it should be, so I freaked out.

What could it be? What could have made that noise. I called my bf, but of course he only got annoyed. He told me to check outside. I didn't know how to tell him that the noise came from inside my room. It was very loud, and very nearby. But I checked outside anyway. Nothing. None of the windows were open, the wind could not have blown anything down... So when he called again to make sure I was okay, I just told him that it must be the neighbours that moved in upstairs. It could have been, who knows?

But still the sound was unmistakable. It's one of those things you can sense. The nasties like to play tricks on you when they know you're vulnerable and alone. I hope they go away. They go away once they know you're not afraid of them anymore.

It's been so long!

I haven't updated this thing in ages... It's terrible. I've probably lost all my readers... oh well. The reason why I haven't updated it is cos I've been so busy. First my parents were packing up the house to move to Australia (they're there now with the other 2 kids). That took about a month or so of packing their stuff. Then it was my turn to pack up and move out of the house into my new apt. That took about a week... or so. I've moved in but still haven't unpacked fully. Then I needed to buy all the stuff for the house, which I'm still doing. Then I ran out of money. I'm almost broke and waiting for my salary to come in...

Then another thing is I have no internet at home. I haven't had internet at home for like more than a month. Ever since the packers came and took away all the computers at home. And we had like 3 computers. So no net, no blogging, no surfing, no chatting.

Now I'm at work, and I rarely get the chance to do much on the net except check e-mail. So that's why I've been awfully quiet lately.

I'll move back into Putrajaya in a year's time. A year and a half maybe. That's when the house I bought will be ready. Well, I didn't buy it, my dad did. And that will be my house. For when I get married. But I told my parents they can live there with me. And I'm going to have a pond... with koi in it. And a swing set outside, and a hammock. It'll be my dream house...

yeaaa right...

Come to think of it...

You know, looking back, I did have a lot of fun during my Uni days. Starting to really miss it. All that hanging out, going to class, skipping class to hang out some more... it was fun. Being really skinny. Losing weight really fast. hahaha.

Going through all my old photos, it makes me miss everything about those days. Meeting ppl for the first time. Finding out things about them you never knew. Getting to know ppl better. Making friends for life.

Yeah. Now I sorta wonder why ppl are pushing me to get married so fast. Sometimes I wish I could just turn back the clock and relive everything. Sure would be fun. I wouldn't do anything different. Live it back the same way. Yeah.

Misadventures

After having coffee with an old friend on Sunday afternoon, I decided to shop for the perfect pair of black sling-backs, closed-toe (they're shoes in case you men don't know). I figured that they'd be just what I needed to complete my outfit if I'm to visit my company's branch in Johor. My company actually has this rule that women are to wear covered shoes (and not sandals or slip-ons), but I always break that rule here, because our boss in KL isn't too strict about it, but Lord knows how strict they are in Johor... so, you know, better for me to invest in a pair of covered shoes than not.

Previously I had bought myself this inexpensive ring, with what the lady at the stall said was "fresh-water pearl" encircled with three fake diamonds (probably cubic zirconium or even quartz) shaped like leaves. So perhaps my showy (but fake) ring was what prompted the saleslady in the shoe shop to say what she said to me. Or perhaps my outfit was what prompted her. I was wearing a cotton baggy shirt and skirt. And that ring on my finger. And when I was paying for my shoes she asked me, "Are you pregnant?" Appalled, yet amused, I answered, "No... Do I look that old?"

I just had a haircut, too, earlier that morning, which the hairdresser said made me look younger. After a split second I said to myself, 'I should have asked her Do I look that fat?'

Then the saleslady said, "No, no, you don't look old. Are you married?" she asked to change the subject, knowing that I was probably offended by her earlier assumption at me being pregnant.
I thought for awhile and replied cautiosly, "Mmm... engaged." A lie, but not really. The word I should have used was 'betrothed', (to signify I've already got someone to get married to but not yet engaged) but who in the 21st century says 'betrothed'?

Then the saleslady showed surprise for some reason, and blushed, and said, "Well you know, before, Malay girls get married younger but the trend nowadays is to get married later..."

I don't know what the hell that was about. I just paid for the goods and left. Then I thought, 'I must be fatter than I thought'. I must be, or else she would never have asked me if I was pregnant. Which I'm not. And then I started to feel conscious about my boobs, cos maybe that's why she asked me if I was pregnant. And no, I'm not lactating... but why the hell would a total stranger ask me that?? I wasn't wearing maternity clothes... God maybe I really am that fat!

Hmmm... well anyway, I bought the shoes. They look great. And maybe tomorrow I'll wear them with an outfit that won't make me look pregnant. (Well hopefully.)

Batman

I watched Batman Begins over to weekend, and I thought it was pretty good. It showed the human side of the character, and I thought that was okay. Christian Bale made an okay Batman as well. You have to remember that Christian Bale was the kid in Empire of the Sun, so... I thought it would be strange to see him as Batman, but not really. And Katie Holmes wasn't bad in her first big role. I was expecting worse.

I'm starting to really like Berjaya Times Square. Because of the Borders, and the Starbucks in the Borders. And all those kooky Hong Kong fashion shops. I think I'm going to make it my new hang-out spot. That is if the roads don't get jammed when the government servants stop working on Saturdays next month. Eesh... I can just bet that they'll be out every Saturday morning shopping or sight-seeing or whatever it is they do on their free time. Or maybe they'll just sleep in... since they don't get to sleep in much on Saturdays.

But I bought this aquarium book on the "Bargain Books" shelf, and I really like. I'm really looking forward to setting up my own aquarium room when I move house. And I haven't told him yet, but my bf's going to help me make a pond at my new house! Hehehehe... I'm so excited! I love fish.

Getting hot

Is it just me or does everyone else feel that KL has been extraordinarily hot (as in weather) lately? The heat has just been giving me headaches...
Well time for more minyak cap kapak...

Traditional remedies

I had that really terrible feeling in my chest yesterday when you have trapped air but cannot burp. I felt very nauseous and dizzy, and all I wanted to do was lie down. I was at work too, and it was right after lunch. I had all these things to do, that I just couldn't go off sick. I even went to the surau and tried to lie down a bit, but that didn't work either, because the room we use for our surau was quite small, and when it's filled up with all these ladies, I started to feel really claustrophobic.

I rarely use minyak cap kapak because the smell of it is too strong, but my colleague offerred me her small bottle so I rubbed some on my chest and on my tummy. After several applications, I was able to burp and did feel a lot better. Then I found that as the minyak started to wear off, I would reapply, and I thought, "hey this stuff is really addictive." Now I want to get a bottle of my own. I had a really good friend who was addicted to minyak cap kapak and he would rub some on his temples all the time. There's something about how it smells. It is after all an essential oil. Just like the aromatherapy oils you can get from those Body Shop type places. Those Crabtree & Evelyn type shops.

I prefer to use balms myself. I can't stand Tiger Balm though. But I like this balm, my friend uses it, Bam Cap Kaki Tiga (Three Legs Brand Balm). I tried looking for it in the shop, but couldn't find it. I have a balm I always carry around called Bam Kita (Our Balm). I think it's made it in a mosque. I don't know why I just didn't use my balm yesterday. I think because I was too nauseous and subconsciously I knew that certain smells would make me feel worse.

Nice things

The thing I like about making spontaneous purchases is that I end up liking the items bought more than the other things that I own. It's always like that. Usually I don't spend unnecessarily, but last week I saw these two bracelets, and bought them without really much thought. And I wear them everyday now. (This comes from a person who rarely wears jewelry). And then just the other day I strolled into this store and bought a nice skirt, which I am wearing now.

I'm wearing it today because I want to look nice for my sayang. It's nice to dress up for the ones you love. But I'm a little worried because I look quite chubby in it. But who cares. As long as I like my outfit, that's all that counts.

You know, even that little girl at the end of J.Lo's song "Get Right" can sing better than J.Lo. But now that she's married to a guy that can really sing, hopefully he'll give her some pointers. He seemed very encouraging at the Grammys, when they were doing that duet. He kept giving her that look of encouragement when she sang her part, the same look I used to give to my classmates when they were making presentations. And then when she tried to stretch a note, her voice cracked a little. I'm surprised nobody spoke about it.

I'm not a singer, so I don't sing. Not even at home. hehe

Everyday for one week

Whew! It's been awhile eh? I've been pretty busy lately. And I just had my first encounter with the internal auditors. Thank God I'm very careful with my work, and thank God I've cleared all my outstandings so my work looks polished. I can safely say that the auditors were very impressed. My MD asked me, "Do you feel pressured Nadja?" with two auditors sitting behind me as I did my work, and I said, "Nope!" and I really meant it! Woohoo! The first test over.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

I have this stomach problem now. Gastric problem. So I can't just eat anything I want to anymore. Which sucks. And I can't eat nasi lemak for breakfast. Or oily food.

But I have discovered something nice. I discovered that Evening Primrose Oil capsules help to clear my nose congestion and sinuses! How about that? I didn't even buy it for that purpose. I bought it to fight excess water retention... because I realise that my thighs and my feet swell up not because I'm fat but because of water retention...

Last night's dinner

I brought my mom and the kids out to the restaurant nearby for dinner last night. The food is nothing to shout about but it was better than eating at home, and plus my dad was still in the Netherlands. We were already tucking into our food, when this party of 12 ppl came in. It was someone from my dad's office and her family. So as usual, they recognize my mom and salam her. The thing that really got me was the overly-friendly auntie. I don't even know this lady, it was the first time me and my mom had met her (it was the mom of the lady that works at my dad's office). She thought I was still in my teens, so she was being very patronizing at first. I hate that, when ppl think I'm 19. I guess cos I never bother to wear anything "my age" when I'm in my neighborhood, because please, I live right down the road, I don't feel like I need to dress up. It felt like going to your local deli to get a sandwich. You know what I mean.

So this auntie was patting my shoulder and saying to my mom, "Oh so this is your number two? All your kids will be following you on your next posting then?" And my mom was saying, no, she's (me) working... And I say, "Yeah, I'm working, so I won't be going." And this lady puts on this mock 'shock-horror' look and says, "Laa...kesian! Apasal tak nak bawak skali!" I was thinking to myself, "Oh my God, didn't I just say, I'm working, and I can't go!" I was starting to get insulted, because I knew she thought I was still 18 or 19, and I shouldn't be left alone in this country. So I say, politely, "No auntie, I think I'm old enough to live on my own. And plus I'm working so everything should be okay." And she croons back, "Oh really? How old are you this year?" (Note the "this year". A patronizing way of asking young children how old they will be. I despise condescending ppl) And I say, "I'm 25."

And she is surprised, this time she's not faking it. And she says, "Oh that's only one year younger than my daughter! When she's gone (she's going on her first overseas posting) you can take her place! You can come to auntie's house anytime..."

Now I know she's trying to be friendly, but I was appalled. Firstly, how can you ask a stranger to take your daughter's place, and how can you ask that same stranger to come to your house anytime? That's just nuts. Plus her daughter was sitting right behind us, so like if she heard this whole conversation, I'm sure she'd be insulted. I did not respond at all. I don't think so. I think at that moment my mom, being the good diplomat that she is, changed the subject so that I wouldn't have to reply.

But it was the strangest, most funniest thing a stranger has ever said to me.

Pinky diamond ring

I am looking for a really good design of the pinky diamond ring. Men's. I did a search on Google, but all sorts of stuff came up, and not the type I'm looking for. I wonder if I should just design it myself. I'm very particular about the jewelry I wear, and I won't wear something gaudy, so the same should apply to men. So I'm looking for nice designs for the pinky diamond ring. With a gemstone in the middle. If anyone has seen photos of nice ones, pls forward them to me.

Today I'm going to the new Borders in Berjaya Times Square. If it's anything like the Borders in Singapore, then I'll be pretty happy. I'm almost about done reading the book I'm reading now, so time to get a new book. I already know what I want, too, I just hope the shop has it. I know I can find it in Kinokuniya.

My hair is going through that stage where it's growing out. Kinda messy. Starting to have wings. But in a few more weeks it'll be shoulder length. Or so I hope. Then maybe I'll think about permanently straightening it. But my hair is the stubborn type. Eeesh.

What to do??

It's another 3 day weekend!! Woohoo!! What to do... what to do... so much sleep to catch up on, so much to do...

You know, you don't really feel like an adult until you've had your first credit card. Yeah. And I just got mine. So being totally childish about it.

I clicked on to the Adidas global website this morning, and it's really a cool site ya? And they've got nice stuff for the new season too. Hmmm, I wish we had an adidas concept store in Malaysia. I wish stuff wasn't so overpriced.

Need to lose weight

This is something that I've always wanted to do, but no matter how I try, I still end up gaining weight, and not losing it... I'm so afraid that I'll eventually end up the same size as my mom and my aunts... that is such a depressing thought! So... I'm going on a diet. Yes. Eating only a sandwich at lunch, wholemeal. But I'm not sure how effective that will be. I usually don't take rice for dinner anyway. Rice is the main culprit of weight gain, the carbs. But bread is also carbohydrate... so... I don't know...

Of course I need to exercise more. I'll jog more. Usually I'm so tired when I get back from work, I have no mood for exercising! So what should I do?

My target is 5 kg. Start small. Then work harder.

Drink 100plus when I get tired at the office. (My bf suggested that).
I was really tickled though, when I found out my bosses (who are all men) are on the Atkins diet... it works for them, but I doubt it'll work for me...

That lonely, quiet country...

My good friend Emma, who is now back in NZ, was with me in Secondary 2 and 3 in Brunei. It was a very small school, and there were lots of other girls named Emma. Right Emma? It's nice to hear from her after all this time because it reminds me of a time when life was so simple. Things were very sort of easy and simple in Brunei, without every really being easy. Because you had to throw out your own trash at the landfill (there were no garbage collectors), there was limited Internet access, new phone lines took months and months to set up, there was no McDonalds, 2 major supermarkets, maybe 3... What other amenities were missing? Well, I can't remember, but for a time, there was no public transport either, but then they began to introduce the buses and taxis that would take you anywhere for $1.00 or $3.00, respectively.

There was Jerudong Park, which we kids went to like 2-3 times a month. All our birthdays were celebrated there, except for mine, because I always threw pool parties at home. And do you remember the time when that kid, I forgot his name, jumped off my roof to dive into my pool? That was so weird. And we weren't even high or drunk! Imagine if we were... but we were so young back then...

Now that we're older, sometimes I wonder how our time in Brunei helped to shape us into the adults that we've become now? Did it contribute a lot to our present character and personality, or not at all? Sometimes I think the time we spent in that quiet country was so traumatic (due to its isolative factors) that it contributed a whole chunk to how we are now. Isolation makes us into either creative or destructive creatures, or both. Which one have I become?

Lazy mornings...

I've got a headache this morning. From not being able to breathe right last night when sleeping. The bosses aren't in today so I'm blogging. Plus I have no mood to do any work cos of my headache. The sky looks so strange today.

I slept for like about 15 mins in the car before pulling myself out and unlocking the office. Some weird guy with one good eye (his right eye) was looking at me strangely, and I gave him one of my stares back. Like, "Whatchu lookin at?? Eleh..." Those ppl give me the creeps cos they look like they're dying for a fuck... with any chick... Eee.

Now I've got nothing else to say so I'm going to start work... *Yawn...

My four-day weekend

I'm reading acclaimed Turkish author Orhan Pamuk's newest novel "Snow". I've already read his other book, "My Name is Red". His newest book "Snow" makes me wonder when I'm going to start wearing a tudung or headscarf like other Muslim women everywhere. Reading the book makes me feel proud, happy and relieved that I live in Malaysia, where the state is secular, and Muslims are liberal and tolerant. I feel sorry for the Muslim girls and women in Europe who aren't allowed to cover their heads in schools and universities because it is seen as a symbol of "political Islam", or as a symbol of religion. I wonder why ppl can't just see it as a piece of clothing or a fashion accessory? After all, married women in Spain and Italy cover their hair with a scarf when going to the market, and they're not even Muslim. And when ladies drive around in a convertible in the countryside, they'll wear a scarf around their heads to prevent their hair from blowing all over the place. I don't see the big deal in banning the headscarf in public places. In Turkey, women members of their parliament aren't allowed inside the building wearing a headscarf. That's so pitiful.

But anyway... enough of all this "hard" stuff. I'd just like to say that I really like the way Orhan Pamuk writes. It sounds as if he's recounting an episode that really took place in his life. He describes movements, people's faces and expressions, their tone of voice. Which is why I like it because it doesn't feel like I'm reading a work of fiction, but something non-fiction. (I like to read non-fiction travelogues... my favorite form of literature.) Even when the work by Pamuk's been translated from Turkish to English, I can see that his writing is very up-front and very honest. Which is the way I've always wanted to write. So, I like this man's work very much.

Today is the last day of my four-day weekend. Wow. It was really nice to do all that stuff that I did. I don't feel like going to work tomorrow as usual after a long holiday. (But it wasn't even long. Later on I'll have to take 8-10 days off in a row.) And today I did something I've always wanted to do, and that was go to Nilai 3 and buy kain. Buying material has always been something I do with relish. It's like the same feeling a small child would get being put in a candy store with money to spend. Or a toy shop. That was the feeling I got. Surrounded by rolls and rolls of material to make baju. And everything machine washable and affordable (I won't say 'cheap' because that would give the reader the impression that the material was of poor quality). Most of my baju kurung have to be dry-cleaned, so it was such a relief to buy some kain that was washable.

Baju kurung is the easiest thing to put on for work in the morning, because you don't have to accessorize. If you wear a shirt and pants, both top and bottom have to match... shoes have to match... etc etc. And I'm such a lazy person in the morning, that I can't be bothered sometimes to match clothes, so I just put on a baju kurung. Plus I'm kinda big on top so shirts have the tendency to look very tight on me, and I hate looking fat.

So Nilai 3 is this place that looks like a border town bazaar. It's how I imagined the border between Russia and Asia or the Middle East to be like, with lots of different merchants selling cloth, furniture and other goods. All the shops were in these warehouses and the heat in them was stifling. There were lots of electrical goods and toys from China I noticed. Lots of fake Barbie dolls that looked really nice. As if they were real Barbies. There were plenty of kedai kain around to my amazement. And lots of them sold really cheap material, around RM3.00 - RM4.00 per meter. But they were the polyster-feeling type of cloth that was coarse and if you wore a dress made out of it, it would make you feel hot, so I didn't buy any of that. But it was just amazing to be there anyway because if you go to Jalan TAR in KL, they'd probably sell the same stuff double or triple the price.

Anyway, not that you want to hear, but I bought 4 different patterns of cloth and I'm very happy with my purchase. The only thing left to do is to send them off to the tailor to make my baju. Next week, I'll have to bring my mom... she wants me to bring her...

And yes...

if you check the time of the post, I really did wake up this early on a Saturday... because I slept so early yesterday and skipped dinner... and now I'm hungry.

I got my passport

My arm so hurts from yesterday. Actually I was so exhausted, I slept so early even on a Friday night. I took leave yesterday just so I could go to the Isetan members' only presale. How sad, I know. And only a woman would do that. Yeah, so what. I was there at 11am, and didn't leave KLCC till 4. But I left Isetan at around 2 cos I couldn't stand the crowd by then. I was at Kinokuniya after.

Anyway, I discovered something about salespeople. If you go shopping looking your best, for some reason, they layan you more. Yeah. They'll think you're rich and have lots of money to spend. But the fact is everyone has money to spend if they go to a presale on a working day. Please... who'd go to all that trouble, getting suffocated in that big a crowd not to buy anything? It was like an oven in there yesterday! I was sweating in an air-cond room.

For the first half an hour it was fun cos there wasn't much ppl around yet. But then it got unbearable and I stood in line for 45 mins or more just to pay for the 3 things I wanted to buy.

Yesterday was also the day I got my first civilian passport. Not that I wasn't a civilian before... not that before I was military... No but it just felt weird. Cos if you are still a dependent at the age of 21 (which I was) you get to keep your diplomatic passport. But once I graduated and got a job, I had to surrender my diplomatic passport. Which is what I did. And I was passport-less for about 2 years... can you believe that? A passport is your freedom, and I was living without one for that long. Imagine if some bad thing were to happen in Malaysia, like, God forbid, a military coup... you would need a passport to escape, and I didn't have one! You know, stuff like that... it's your freedom ticket.

Other ppl will say that money is freedom. But there are ways to travel without money you know. So a passport is still your freedom.

My face still looks like a clown's in the passport photo. Except fatter. And I was so shy with the auntie who brought me to the special immigration to cancel my previous passport. She had things to say about Chinese ppl that I wasn't very proud to listen to, and I was tempted to tell her that my bf is half Chinese, which would mean that I took offence to the stuff she said (narrow-minded stuff) but then she's really old, and it would make her lose face if I told her. It would be like me telling her straight to her face she's narrow-minded and it would hurt her because she's so much older and experienced in life, and I'm supposed to be so young. But you see, I'm an advocate for making Mandarin a subject in schools. Why not? Kids can learn to understand each other better.

She thought it was rubbish. Sometimes I wonder if they put these ppl in our paths to test us. Like maybe they are spies for the government and they are just there to see what our opinions are really like and report back to their bosses. I'm sure that type of stuff exists. I mean who would suspect an old lady to be a spy? She asked me lots of questions yesterday, and she did antagonize me over certain subjects for no reason. Maybe she wanted to see which political stand I had. I'm pro government. Just that the govt should improve their policies just a little. But anyway, maybe she was a spy. Because she said certain unneccessary things to gain my trust like, "How's your mother? I like your mother, she's a pleasant lady." Okay... no, my mother is not that pleasant, but alright... And she's got no reason to suck up either, she's in a totally different dept than my father. Maybe she is a spy, because sometimes I just refuse to believe that the foreign ministry can have such narrow-minded ppl working in it when they've all been and lived overseas.

See... now I'm the one being narrow-minded, or being stereotypical, or um... making my own conclusions. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with learning different languages. She's so rubbish about that.

Incident in the lift

When I worked at the Bank, I had a colleague whose husband went to the same high school as me. I attended a boarding school for the last four years of high school. Technically, (in the American sense), I did my last two years of high school there and then added 2 more years to do A-levels, which was a waste of time because I discovered I could've entered the uni I went to without it.

Anyway, it being a "British" boarding school, it was really strict in some areas, and not strict at all in others. But there was one funny incident that still makes me curl up with embarrassment, and which my ex-colleague at the Bank refuses to let me forget. Her husband was my senior and also a prefect. When I was in Form 4 or 5, I can't remember when exactly, he booked me for excessive PDA (public display of affection) during bulan Ramadan. It was nothing excessive of the kind. It was a good-bye hug and kiss at the speed bump leading to the girls' dormitories, which provides the border where boys are prohibited to step over. It was fasting month, and I was having my period, and therefore can't fast, so what the hell, we kissed and hug, and that was it. The humiliating part was, Azly, (the prefect and my ex-colleague's husband) saw us performing our good-bye ritual from his dorm's balcony and blew a whistle to stop us. Of course, when he blew the whistle, everyone rushed out to see. It was late afternoon, and possibly even lunch time, so all the kids were about. And then, for punishment, me and my bf (now ex, and possibly married) had to run around the school at 5 am in the morning (it's called school drill) for a week. Our names (along with other ppl being booked for other offences) were posted on the notice board.

Anyway, this same prefect that booked me, he works for Sime Darby on the floor above mine in my office building. And what should happen last Friday but me bumping into him in the elevator! And he gave me this big grin and says, "My wife told me you were working in this building..." and I think I blushed remembering what he'd seen me do during puasa month, all those years ago and I covered my face with the cheque and bank-in slip I was holding. Hehe... how embarrassing... I was so young then... how naive and innocent... yeaaah right!

Flashback

You know, looking back at old photos, I have the same exact haircut as I had in high school. Exactly. I didn't even realise it until a week has gone by since I first had my hair cut. It's the short bob where I can tuck it behind my ears. Back in school, when my hair grew a little longer, I would tie my hair up in two pig tails. And my bf (now ex, and maybe married) would call them "Nads tails".

I couldn't possibly tie my hair up like that now and go to work. Even though it can get very warm in the office because the air-conditioning is weak.

Do you sometimes go through everyday life and then suddenly realise that you've gone through the same thing before in the past? Like you're reliving a flashback? Ya, those things are so scary. Especially when it's not a happy event. I was sitting in the car for more than an hour (pretty much) having a discussion, and I had chills up and down my spine cos it seemed like a perfect re-enactment of something I've gone through before. I was telling myself, "Do something different this time, so it won't be jinxed... or else you'll be doomed to relive the same nightmare over and over again."

I am determined to make my life different this time, although I am not sure in which way I should change, or whether I am even capable of change. Because you know, day in day out, we become creatures of habit. Even if it's a bad habit. I don't know how I should start, and even where I should start.

Sometimes I feel like it's better to live alone and not have to bother with other ppl at all. You're free to be whoever you want to be, and free to do whatever you want to do. I'm sure everyone feels the way. Sometimes I am just tired and want to go to sleep for a long long time. I need a vacation.

Sometimes you just can't explain why

You know, there's this person I hate (or maybe just 'despise' because 'hate' is too strong a word), but I can't exactly explain why. I just hate her. It's one of those things. She just annoys the hell outta me. Even until now. And we've known each other for years and years. And when I think back, I think the reason why I started hating her back when we were kids was because she did certain things on purpose just to annoy me. Like you know those competitive types of ppl that do everything to be one step better than you. Copy-cats, etc. I've no idea why I let her get at me so much, but I did. And now, when we're both older, I still hate her.

No, maybe just despise her. I know I sound mean and bitchy when you're reading this, but she was the person who would rat on me in class if I was passing notes, would rat on me if I had borrowed someone else's homework to copy, that type of thing. She's the type of person to pretend she's British even though she's full-blooded Malaysian... yeah you know.

Why the hell am I blabbing on about this person? Because after so many years, I really feel like I want to send her a message and congratulate her for getting married. But I'm just afraid she'll reply with a catty remark that will hurt my feelings. Saying something to put me down. Which she usually did. But I think I will congratulate her anyway. And she looked beautiful in her wedding photo. I hope she's not like how she was when we were kids anymore. So here goes...

Keropok lekor

It's raining heavily outside, all of a sudden. The rain came down in a torrent in a split second. I was having some keropok lekor with my sayang at this outdoor eatery, under a wide umbrella, and suddenly the rain came. So I ran from table to table, ducking under each table's umbrella, all the way to the car park, where I waited for him to come with the car. And still I got wet.

The interesting thing about keropok lekor is that it's quite addictive. Plus it's freshly made so the flavour is quite yummy. And my boss, despite being a white guy, likes them. He likes the thin crispy type that my AM sometimes buys after lunch and leaves in the office pantry for everyone to eat. But my boss, he doesn't dip them in the chilli sauce like you're supposed to. Maybe he doesn't know.

Ugh, thinking about bosses, my other boss, the big boss, he will be in the office tomorrow. Which means I have to come in to work wearing covered shoes, and not the open-toed shoes I usually wear. The ones with a heel but actually look more like sandals. I prefer those because covered shoes give me blisters. But I will have to wear proper shoes tomorrow in the office because Maltop will be in, and I'll have to actually go into his room to get his signature for something. Eesh, so leceh... But I'm also excited because I have a new haircut!! Yay! So at least I'll look presentable. Big boss is so strict about the presentable appearance.

Ants on a Sunday

I woke up this morning to discover my arms were sore and aching. When I stood up they hung limply against my sides. I am getting heavier, I thought, this is part of the ageing process. Or the fattening process. I am putting on so much weight that my body aches carrying around so much weight. What a depressing thought to wake up to!

Then when I went upstairs, I was greeted with so much sunshine from the windows, I was happy again. And even when I saw that the ants were devouring the chocolate sea-shells, still in their box, I didn't get angry. They are one of God's creatures after all and need to eat something, so I didn't disturb them but rescued whatever untouched chocolates there were on a piece of tissue paper and ate them. Or eating them this very moment. The scene with the ants reminded me of the passage Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote in One Hundred Years of Solitude when the ants carried away the baby that Aureliano Babilonia left in the basket at the end of the book. Such a morbid thing, but true though, these ants will eat anything. Especially tropical jungle ants.

Ants are everywhere.

But the thought of my new short hair, and the freedom it brings, and the warm sunshine on a Sunday still makes me cheerful. Despite the ants eating the box of chocolates that I only just opened last night. I should never have left them on the coffee table. These ants will eat anything sweet.

Woohoo! I cut my hair!

I've got really short hair now compared to my below-the-shoulder length hair before. Now I have a chin-length short bob. So I'm happy. I feel like my short hair has freed me from a lot of burden and weight. Not to mention headaches caused by the weight (of long hair).

Here's a pic of us at the sea during the team building trip in Kuching. I'm the one with my hands up in the air.

I feel so dead man

My back hurts, my head feels like it's going to explode, I start talking to myself and making sound effects at the office... everyone is saying out loud that I am crazy... this could only mean that I am on the brink of exhaustion. I don't think I've fully recovered yet from that team building trip I told you about. I even brought a pack lunch from home today because I knew I would be too tired to walk anywhere for lunch... yeah... in this heat... who'd want to??

Anyway, I ate my lunch, now I'm just dying to finish my work and go back home...

Team building trip

My company recently sent us on a 2-day team building trip to Kuching, Sarawak. Actually I just came back from it yesterday. We skipped one working day (Friday) to go on this trip. And even though it was exhausting (since I haven't had any proper exercise in years), it was a lot of fun! As team building trips usually are. Yeah, they had the usual activities like wall-climbing, rappeling, obstacle course, raft-building, kayaking, etc. And yeah, we had to spend the night in a cabin in the middle of the rainforest, with all those creepy crawlies. But the one thing that I noticed about my company was that every single employee's personality "matched" one another's. Meaning that, even though our personalities differ in some way, we were all able to mix with each other well, even if there wasn't a team building trip going on. It was like a revelation. And I wasn't the only one who noticed it either. My cabin mates did too. I was very impressed with the selection process that our HR carries out, because they do this personality test thing to see if the personality of potential candidates match the "company's personality" (if you could actually call it that), and it works. Surprisingly.

The other surprising discovery during the trip was that Kuching really does have a lot of cats. (For those non-Malaysian readers out there, "Kuching", the name of the city that I visited in Sarawak for my team building trip literally means "Cat" in Malay.) At the camp, which is situated in a rainforest by the beach, there were many cats walking around all over the place. It was as if that jungle was their natural habitat. They didn't even bother us humans. It was just an amusing observation.

Anyway, I'm supposed to rest in bed today, to nurse my aching body. I have a bad knee since my ligaments are torn (since the age of 15), and of course a bad knee means I can't balance. So you can imagine all the torture I had to go through during the obstacle course... all those "balance beam" activities. Eesh. My boss had to hold my hand while I did it. Muahaha. And I fell down hard like 3 times. And what was worse my boss made me the team leader, so like I felt obligated to always volunteer myself to be the first girl to do everything. Sheesh man, talk about leading by example. And I can't swim, but I did the kayaking anyway. And by the end of the first day, because I had no idea how hot it would be like in a rainforest by the beach (with the glare of the ocean), I had heatstroke, was very dizzy, and had a terrible migraine. And no, I didn't bring any dehydration tablets, so I was very dehydrated, and found myself panting all the time. But they had a natural "jungle pool" with natural mountain spring water, and it was great to take a dip in after a long hot day to cool your body down. That was neat.

And later on tonight, me and my best buds are going to celebrate me and my bf's birthdays at one of our fave restaurants. So... I'd say this was a pretty good weekend.

Yay! They're back!

Yay! JJ and Rudy are back!

The age thing

Well I'm off again to another family dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant at Marriott IOI. We're celebrating my 25th birthday even though it's actually tomorrow. Feeling a little apprehensive to tell you the truth, about turning 25. This is the age that's half of 50, and in a couple of years (or even less) ppl expect you to get married, and have kids. Hell some of my friends are already married and having kids... *sigh.

I really don't want to grow up! I wish I can stay in bed another day... roll around... do nothing, and still be 21. 21 was a good year, I think. Yeah.