No use thinking about it

Ah pening kepala you know. It's such a hot day today. Had a wedding to go to, and then a football game. And in this weather, sheesh, you're lucky if you don't land yourself a huge headache. I was wondering, what if you get married and you get a husband that's unreliable. It's just a thought. With so many of my friends getting married these days, I kinda wonder how it is they made their decision that that's really the one they want to spend their whole life with. Sure love is a big factor in the decision, but what about everything else? What about security? Maybe only insecure ppl put a lot of weight on those things. So maybe I'm insecure.

I just know I don't want to marry someone who is unreliable. Those that are never there when you need them and are always saying they'll be there for you the next time. Those are the types I fear and hate and try my very best to avoid.

But you can never tell though, from the outside, if a person is reliable or not on the inside. It's one of those horrible revelations that take you by surprise. argh i'm really sleepy now. I have a headache.

Feeling happy at last

Wow I've never been happier in my work until today! I tell you, the sheer relief of having my workload cut in half is so tremendous. Today my boss hired a temp staff to help me out, and she's a really bright girl, only a few years younger than me. What a breath of fresh air she is! Really. She learns really quick, and she's resourceful. I like that. She's so easy to train. Well at least for today's tasks she's easy to train. All she has to do is look at one screen and key in some data and press F4. Not so difficult after all.

But I did that on purpose, giving her all the easy stuff to do (but which I despise because it's so tedious), and keeping all the hard stuff to myself, like balancing accounts. I hate balancing accounts. Cos usually they don't balance the first time. I hate that. I remember back in uni, we all hated accounts class cos we couldn't balance the account. And then only one guy, one guy balanced the account in the final exam. One guy! This same guy was "charmed" into marrying a widow with three kids. And he was only 22 at the time. The widow was like 35 or something. He dropped out of uni and disappeared. I don't know what's happened to him since.

Another reason why I'm so happy today was because, my other colleague, who I see as the master now, helped me to balance my petty cash account! I was so happy! She was showing me the way she did it, and I was completely baffled, cos she went to all these different screens in our very retarded accounting system, but I just pretended to understand anyway. I probably do understand in my subconscious somewhere. I just have to trace back every single payment, even back to last year's. What a tedious thing.

But with my new temp staff, at least that task is cut into half. So I'm still happy! Hee (",)

Oscars

This year is probably the first year I didn't get to catch the Oscars live. Even last year I watched it on the internet at work... yeah. Weirdo. But the Oscars have always been a big thing for me. I even thought of taking leave today just to watch it. But now that it's over, and I saw the results, I don't think I even want to catch the replay. I guess Hilary Swank winning best actress just put me off a bit. Maybe she deserves it cos I haven't even watched Million Dollar Baby. But at least Cate Blanchett won for best supporting actress. She was good I thought.

Anyway, I had a terrifying Sunday night. It was one of those nights where I found myself wanting to be back on the drugs. I was shivering, I was stammering, and I had that huge anxious feeling in my heart. And when I woke up, I had incredibly puffy eyes from all the crying. Putting my face into cold water didn't get rid of them. I had that nervous feeling all morning at work. I had to force a smile out when Mr. Maniam from the warehouse came to give me the invoices and treat me to lunch. All I wanted to do was go back home and sleep. I felt so tired. And all the time, there were these niggling thoughts.

I guess I should just sleep it off. The Oscar replay's at 10pm. It's only 8.25pm, but I feel exhausted. I don't feel like eating dinner. All the signs say I can't control my depression. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Funny thing, Hilary Swank said something along the same lines in her acceptance speech. (But she was talking about winning, and I'm talking about losing...)

Cat

You know I had this cat once, her name was Comot. I guess you could translate comot as 'messy face' or 'grubby'. It was half-persian, given to me by my ex-housemate, and that cat was really a stupid cat but very manja. I don't know how to translate 'manja', it's like spoiled brat and babyish rolled into one word. She wouldn't sleep anywhere except above my head on my pillow. That stupid cat. Poor cat. It got pregnant and I told her, "You ain't havin your babies here!" and she left the apartment as if she understood and gave birth to her kittens at someone else's house. Poor cat. I drove by my old apartment building today and I suddenly remembered her. Her fur was this yucky brownish color with specks of yellow, black and orange. That's why we called her Comot.

My sayang, he's a cat person. He's got like 3 cats. And like he knows catspeak but won't admit it. I spoke to his cats once, they understand humanspeak. There's this one really naughty cat that he's got, her name is Didik. She's got this unhealthy white fur. She gets on my nerves. I don't know why. She just likes testing the limits of her territory. Cos you know sometimes cats can really be obnoxious. They can really be "catty". If they can speak English, they'd say all these nasty and sarcastic things, some of them would. And just the way she meows I know what she's saying to me. You know what I mean?

I had a cat like that once. She'd just hiss at you when you came near her. Like the whole house was her territory and not yours. We called her Jungley Cat. I wish I could have a cat now but my mom is allergic to them, and my asthma's gotten a lot worse so I can't stand the cat hair flying around. Having cats is good protection for the house, cos animals can see things humans can't. And they can let you know when an intruder is around. Wish I had a cat. But I can't stand homes with cat smell. I can't stand that cat smell. Cos cats mark their territory and leave that distinct scent behind. My sayang doesn't know it cos he's too used to it but his house has that cat smell sometimes. I'm sure cats say to each other, "your house has that icky human smell, wish they'd vacuum it more."

This is so unrelated, but my boss has this soap and water smell. Sort of like unscented soap smell. He needs to use aftershave, seriously. Maybe it's a Danish smell. My nose is very sensitive.