Oscars

This year is probably the first year I didn't get to catch the Oscars live. Even last year I watched it on the internet at work... yeah. Weirdo. But the Oscars have always been a big thing for me. I even thought of taking leave today just to watch it. But now that it's over, and I saw the results, I don't think I even want to catch the replay. I guess Hilary Swank winning best actress just put me off a bit. Maybe she deserves it cos I haven't even watched Million Dollar Baby. But at least Cate Blanchett won for best supporting actress. She was good I thought.

Anyway, I had a terrifying Sunday night. It was one of those nights where I found myself wanting to be back on the drugs. I was shivering, I was stammering, and I had that huge anxious feeling in my heart. And when I woke up, I had incredibly puffy eyes from all the crying. Putting my face into cold water didn't get rid of them. I had that nervous feeling all morning at work. I had to force a smile out when Mr. Maniam from the warehouse came to give me the invoices and treat me to lunch. All I wanted to do was go back home and sleep. I felt so tired. And all the time, there were these niggling thoughts.

I guess I should just sleep it off. The Oscar replay's at 10pm. It's only 8.25pm, but I feel exhausted. I don't feel like eating dinner. All the signs say I can't control my depression. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Funny thing, Hilary Swank said something along the same lines in her acceptance speech. (But she was talking about winning, and I'm talking about losing...)