The old neighborhood

I had one of those frustrating weekends where I actually missed my family. Especially on Sundays, those "family day"s. We would usually eat out on our family days. I couldn't spend my Sunday dinner with anyone special so I ate alone. But I went back to a place that I sort of felt comfortable eating alone. So it wasn't so bad.

I went to the bridge again also on Sunday night. I was surprised to find a lot of ppl there. Sometimes I wish that bridge could be mine. I wished that it could belong to me, so that whenever I wanted to be alone there, I could tell everybody to vamoos. It was a nice night, and I bought myself this new poetry notebook. I only write on un-ruled plain white paper. So if anyone wants to buy me a present that I would truly appreciate, they could get me a spiral plain-white paper notebook. Paperchase makes great ones. But the one I bought wasn't a Paperchase, it was an Islamic Arts Museam one (? I think so). I bought it at the MPH, and it wasn't a spiral notebook. And I was also a little disappointed that the paper, although plain white, was quite thin, and the ink of my pen could be seen on the back of the page. Which I hate. So I write on every other page.

Sometimes when you can't be with family, you don't really feel like being with your friends. Cos I just don't like the thought of leaving my empty house to have fun with my buddies and then having to come home to an empty house again. It's like a double blow almost. Everybody else gets to go home to their family. I know I'm supposed to grow up and get used to it already, but seriously it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But driving around my old neighborhood did feel good. There's that familiar feeling I get in my chest, and that warmth that makes me smile. I tried to explain it to my bf, but I don't think he gets it at all. I don't think he knows what it feels like to feel happy because you feel safe. I don't think he knows how it feels like to feel alien to some place, and then having to find a spot in that alien place that makes you feel not like an alien. You know what I mean? I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've been in KL for about 4-5 years now, and during the early years, there wasn't a cafe that I could find that I could call my own place... you know, there wasn't a bakery where I liked to go there cos I liked their bread. I haven't found my place. In all the places I've lived in, I had these places I could go to where the people would know me, and they'd say, "Your usual?" And I would feel comfortable enough to eat there alone, or to sit and drink there alone, because I was a regular. And the other ppl would recognize me as a regular, and then they'd just smile and eat with me while they sat at the other table, and it wouldn't feel like I was eating alone. But I don't know how to explain all this to my bf because I don't think he really understands. Even when he says he does, I get the feeling that he's just saying it to shut me up.

I haven't really found that type of place truly yet, but I think my old neighborhood has a lot of potential.

Sometimes I worry that if we can't connect on certain things, it'll be difficult for us in the future. But I really don't know how to make a person understand all these things that make me feel secure. I hope he reads this and he understands better.